There’s no doubt I have some serious skills when it comes to peculiar adventures (like for example being a waitress in a Catholic church in Dubai altogether with my Mexican friend whom I met in Bangkok in Uber pool). In this post, I’d like to introduce you to some funny short stories I’ve published on my Facebook fan page over the years. Too casual to be printed, too funny to be ignored, too short to be boring.
Have a look at how I’ve managed to be a proper blonde all over the world, despite the fact, that the colour of my hair was evolving from black through red all the way up to rose gold or pink.
Blah, blah, let’s get started!
17.02.2017 Koh Lanta, Thailand
I entered the store full of toys, dresses, fake Luis Vuitton purses and everything a Thai Island Shop could provide you with. Standing there, proudly wearing my Caviar&Cocaine t-shirt I was looking for the shop owner, to ask him a simple question. Found him. And I didn’t realise how awkward it was till I heard the words coming out of my mouth:
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE A UNICORN?
The lady from behind the counter eagerly replied:
Lady: Yes! You buy?
Me: I do.
Lady: You want me to blow him?
She probably meant inflate, but I refused. Because in Thailand…you never know.
16.03.2017 Bangkok, Thailand
An unknown guy approached my table:
– Excuse me, I couldn’t help but wonder: you’re not a regular backpacker, are you?
– Ha! – he exclaimed pointing his finger into the ceiling.
Then he turned around and walk away.
27.3 2017 Hong Kong
I simply love those tiny travel stories: first almost falling over and being saved by an old Chinese businessman who later on invited me to come over to his mansion in Bangkok, then unsuccessfully tried to kiss me. Next, at Starbucks being mistaken for a random guy’s girlfriend who ended up paying for my coffee and giving me his phone number. And it’s only 8 in the morning and I didn’t even put my makeup on. Dear Hong Kong. I’m sure we’ll meet again.
10.01.2018 Bangkok, Thailand
You live, you learn they say.
And so I had a short but very important lesson today.
I was contemplating my life over a plate of pad thai when a lovely couple asked me if they could join me because there were no seats left.
I replied, smiling, that of course, they can!
We had a lovely basic conversation during which to my question “what are you doing in Thailand?” they replied: “We’re looking for a unicorn”.
And because I’ve been lately super pro unicorn I exclaimed back: Search no more! I’m the unicorn!
The conversation started being a bit weird and so I said that I need to go back to work and I left them my WhatsApp in case they were willing to explore together later.
I came back to my remote office and just to make myself 100% that I didn’t say anything stupid I googled: Unicorn.
The Internet was merciless: “A unicorn is a bisexual girl who is down to hook up with generally heterosexual, monogamish couples, often as a no-strings-attached threesome experience arranged in advance. ”
How to explain that I’m not up for exploring anything anymore?
3.07.2017 London, UK
I’d like to thank this random guy who yesterday at the Luton airport simply made my day.
– YOU! – he shouted pointing at me.
– Me…? – I asked disoriented and a bit scared (like wtf have I done)
– Yes you babe, you’re cute as fuck!
… and he boarded the plane.
5.10.2016 Puerto Rico
From a diary of a Digital Nomad:
My computer stopped working. Just like that. Black screen. Sur-bloody-prise.
I went to the Puerto Rican laptop repairs shop, or rather some kind of Hazienda del Laptoppo.
It was supposed to be already open, but who cares, maniana.
I made myself comfy sitting on the concrete ground, leaning against the Hazienda. Laptop on my knees, diet coke in my hand. After 30 min of waiting, there was still no sign of the owner, but a homeless showed up, sat next to me and started collecting change (and he was doing much better with the change than I was doing with my laptop).
Next 20 minutes had passed when, finally, the shop Hazienda Laptoppo owner showed up and opened the place.
I entered the place angry, scared (no laptop=no work=no money) and sweaty as hell.
Mr Laptoppo was taking his time. He turned on a big led tv to play some telenovelas and when I was SO CLOSE to try to talk to him his wife decided to start a fight. Over the phone. How do I know? Because she was on the speaker. FML.
So I was sitting there, facing two telenovelas and contemplating my life. From time to time letting some steam out of my ears because, as you might suppose, the girl was angry.
ANOTHER half an hour later Mr Laptoppo finally noticed me and asked what the problem was (or at least I guess so because he was talking in Spanish and the closest I come to Spanish is Italian).
I started being very emotional (in Italian), trying to describe my problem (still in Quattro Stagioni). The dude looked very focused, empathising, nodding, then he opened the laptop….and the bitch started working just like that.
The screen was shining loud and proud.
I take a little bow, say THANK YOU and disappeared.
Luckily he didn’t charge me for that.
2.01.2018 Mandalay, Myanmar
So now that the 2k17 is over, we can look back and laugh at our old fails. Of course, they were many of them (at least in my case). The one I want to tell you about is when I was on the condom-buying mission in Mandalay, Myanmar.
I went to the supermarket and I was walking in the maze of shelves but condoms were nowhere to be found. So I decided to ask the staff.
But to my surprise, the lovely ladies didn’t know the word “condom”… No internet, no anything…and so I had to show them (using a variety of gestures) what I was looking for.
I have to say that the whole supermarket was entertained and I never came back.
30.01.2018 Yogyakarta, Indonesia
After the lovely lady from the scooter rental place took my national ID (that was valid only till November last year) and gave me the keys, right after she wished me a lovely ride etc, she asked:
– Can you drive?
I guess it’s not relevant here.
6.05.2018 Bangkok, Thailand
People: are you Australian?
Me: no, I just had a bottle of wine before I came here.
15.05.2018 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Me: I’m gonna take those trousers.
X: What’s your name?
X: Are you Catholic?
Me: I guess so…
X: That’s gonna be 35 ringgit.
I’m still wondering what’s the price for Muslim and Christian but non-Catholic.
28.06.2018 London, UK
Lunchtime. I’m starving. I go to the nearest Sainsbury’s to grab a quick bite. They have my favourite sandwich!
I eat it on the way back to work. It takes me no more than 5 minutes to finish it, so now I’m just walking. The sun is shining and everyone is smiling at me!
I feel happy, I feel confident, I feel beautiful.
Back at work, I go to the bathroom…there’s a large piece of lettuce on my forehead.
9.08.2018 London, UK
And so I faced a proper HORROR STORY today.
Let me share it with you.
Despite the fact, that the amount of things I own is rather limited (due to the travelling thing) I still have a pair of trousers I used to wear when I was super thin. Anorexic to be more precise. Size double zero or something equally ridiculous. Why? No fckn idea, but those trousers have travelled with me to at least 20 countries. Black, a bit ripped jeans. Nothing unusual.
I also have another pair of black jeans in a proper size to fit my well-travelled bum.
And guess what? I woke up pretty sleepy today, opened my closet, took my jeans out, started putting them on and…I froze. My jeans stopped half-thigh and didn’t want to go any higher. I started thinking about all the baguettes and camemberts I devoured over the weekend and the hectolitres of wine. Panic, pure panic and then…I realised that my normal jeans were hanging on the hook meanwhile those I was trying to squeeze into were my double zero bastards.
They magically migrated to the top of the shelf to give me a heart attack.
16.08.2018 London, UK
Wednesday, hospital. The fracture clinic has about an hour delay. Crowded. Everyone is bored.
I’m waiting for my appointment and the inevitable happens (inevitable if you drink a gallon of water every day).
So I proceed to the toilet: broken wrist, handbag, backpack with my whole office, jacket… I’m a bit clumsy and definitely not moving with a speed of light.
There are no hooks in the toilet so I’m peeing with my backpack on – classy.
When I’m finally finished and just awkwardly squatting with my whole remote office on my back and my trousers down, I want to just flush and go.
And then I pull the string that hangs from…the ceiling, not the toilet like I was thinking.
And then I started the alarm 🤷♀️
I didn’t know what to do first – put my trousers on, cancel the alarm or flush the toilet. I guess I’ve done it all at once (with the backpack on) seconds before the rescue team entered.
And just like that, I provided some free entertainment for the whole waiting room and left the toilet nearly with a standing ovation.
(pictures don’t make much sense, just took them from my Instafame, wink, wink)