There are the stories to tell, there are also the stories a good girl should never even consider telling to anyone. But who cares about the good girls, when the bad ones have way more fun? Maybe I shouldn’t call myself a bad girl – rather a little less considerate and a little more crazy than the average but what makes my stories unique is that I’ve been travelling the world solo, for two years, meeting more tinder people of every shape and size than you could imagine.
I experienced a very broad spectrum of various guys, starting in Mexico, through Europe and the Middle East, all the way to Hong Kong and Japan.
How many countries did I use Tinder in? I stopped counting after 25th.
So fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a lovely set of super peculiar Tinder stories from all around the world.
First of all: what is Tinder?
A dating app, a hookup app…in general Tinder is what you make it. I used it mainly to meet people while travelling solo because it makes it way easier – you swipe and if you’re both interested in the visual side of each other – a chat window opens. Now that you can talk, it’s pretty easy to more or less figure out other person’s intentions. Easier than stopping random people on the street, isn’t it? So if you’re in a city/country for a brief period of time and you’re rather Airbnb-ing than Hostel-ing, equals, your chances of finding a company for the evening are very limited – I absolutely recommend it.
BUT IT’S A HOOKUP APP!
Like I said before – Tinder is what you make it – you chat with a person, you meet the person and you can be friends, lovers, ONS, enemies, couple – you can be everything you want to be. And I’ve tried it all.
Disclaimer: Don’t worry guys – All the names and some places will be changed, you’re awesome and I respect your privacy.
Unless you were a complete douche.
EPISODE 1: The Prince of Persia
He was my first Tinder date in South Eastern Asia. Tall, tanned, a lovely backpacker somewhere from the US who’s just started his purifying journey through the treasures of the far eastern world. He was super passionate about the world, the material and spiritual one and I was instantly enchanted listening to his stories. Me – a travelling newbie with less than zero experience and my back then Guru. I called him Prince of Persia because he definitely had this “tales from 1001 night charm”.
The first meeting left me with some scratches and bruises, but it had nothing to do with any kind of SM, just casual breaking into abandoned buildings, but that’s what I do pretty often.
Anyways, the lovely Prince, as experienced he seemed to be, still had no bloody idea about one of the main attractions in Thailand. And I was equally lame when it comes to that.
Second “date”, or rather a meeting (I was still 100% sure that Tinder is just for finding friends, I guess) we started in a restaurant (a food stall) and finished with a show…
a show….a ping-pong show to be more precise…
So, as I mentioned before, both of us ( I cannot vouch for him, but me for sure) didn’t know what this “famous” ping-pong show was about. We entered a dark, stinky room and immediately were served a watery complimentary drink. We sat down, expecting everything and nothing at the same time when the show started…
The stage filled up with naked and half naked girls throwing ping pong balls, darts, ribbons and God only knows what else from their vaginas. Because this is what a ping-pong is: a Kegel muscles efficiency parade. Now imagine me: a timid girl travelling solo for the first time in her life on one of her very first tinder dates with the Persian half-blood prince sitting there, in the darkness watching it all in dead silence.
My jaw dropped down all the way to the floor. I tried to cover my surprised mouth by pouring inside it a complimentary drink but it obviously wasn’t enough – I’m Polish, so vodka is kind of a hobby and those scenes were kinda DRASTIC. But looking at stuff popping out from between way too many pairs of legs (in a lovely company of a tinder date) simply wasn’t enough. I needed something to complete my misery. After two girls made out on the stage, looking pretty bored tbh, one of them placed a bunch of long, colourful ribbons in her vagina, did a couple of pirouettes, and, as if it was a rainbow, pulled out not as fresh and not as fancy ribbons out and with one last pirouette threw it to the public. To be honest, I was somewhere between screaming, gasping with relief (because we were in a second row) and laughing – you should’ve seen those poor so-proud-5-minutes-ago guys running away and trying to hide behind the chairs. Priceless.
We walked back home with “what was seen cannot be unseen” expression on our faces.
Was it the last date/meeting? No. Later on, we managed to spend some time cruisin’ on a scooter in Vietnam, then we met somewhere absolutely by accident and quite recently he saved my life not letting me sleep at the airport and fixing my poor suitcase.
Would you call it a hookup? I don’t think so…
Did I tell you everything? I don’t think so 😉
So that was my first super innocent tinder date abroad that started a whole kaleidoscope of dates which were good, great, poor and horrible.
Once it was so tragic that after 30 minutes I said I needed to immediately go home to feed my cat, that was supposed to be on a diet and because of that also supposed to be fed at certain times. But I didn’t have a cat. Or home. (Grandma, forgive me my lie, but if you saw him, you’d understand).
Because the first episode is so short (what happened in the “lavish mansion”, lol, has to become a secret) as a bonus I’m gonna share with you some of the worst, slash the weirdest dates I ever went to.
Everything happened for real.
Tinder dates that went bad.
Candidate number one, Hong Kong.
He was really cute, really cute, way more than on his pictures (and he asked me to be his Instagram model, so I couldn’t help but wonder: on those pictures, will I also look much worse than in reality? Mad skillz). He looked kinda Asian but sounded Australian. We had a lovely walk through Hong Kong most instagrammable places, then we went to one of the most famous street food restaurants to enjoy flower petal jelly and chicken feet. And then he started:
Mr Cutiecute: So I just recently moved into this new apartment.
Me (chewing): Uhmmm…
MrCc: And it’s really amazing it has this super king size bed that’s really comfortable!
Me: Uhmm…<chew-chew> …nice.
MrCc: Yeah, I really enjoy this new apartment especially when my flatmate, like now, is out of town.
Me: Great! So how long have you been living in HK?
But he didn’t want to stop. Not more than 10 minutes have passed when he started again, this time a little bit more word for word.
MrCc: So I was having a conversation with my friend lately and he told me that all Asians have small penises. And then I said that it doesn’t apply to me because I’m not Asian, I’m Australian!
We never spoke again.
He sometimes watches my Instagram stories.
Candidate number two, Germany.
It was raining and I was super lazy so I invited him over to my apartment. He showed up with a bottle of Cabernet (good) wearing too tight jeans and a grey sweater with a little zipper under his neck (killmeh…). But!!!!! Let’s be all deep and sophisticated and don’t judge the book by it’s cover.
We started a conversation, which, no wonder, after a couple of minutes shifted to the travelling&CO stuff.
MrCabernet: My favourite type of vacation is in Hurghada, all-inclusive, so you just sit at the poolside, do nothing besides sipping your drink and watching the animation programme.
I almost stood up ready to leave when I realised it was my apartment we were in. Then, fortunately, my friend called, so without any hesitations I picked up the phone just to tell the guy, some minutes later, that SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED and that he had to leave.
We didn’t even finish the wine.
And I know, it was super rude of me, to start talking on the phone just like that, but I was acting in a heat of the moment, I was in such a shock! And if he enjoys Hurghada, well – I’m more than excused.
The moment he shut the door behind him he deleted me from Tinder. I cried….because I was laughing so hard. Next, I danced a hoola dance and finished the wine myself.
Candidate number three, UK.
The day was warm and sunny. We went for a walk to the park and even though he was popping out from time to time with a random question like “do you like if I say like that” or something it was really nice. Then, because of the bladder matters, we decided to proceed to a pub nearby. When the toilet business was done we approached the bar.
MrPeculiar: I’m gonna drink this beer.
Me: Ok, that’s a lovely information. And I’m gonna drink this wine.
MrP: So, can you see it? The second tap, it’s called <something>
Me: Yeah, I see it, but why is it so important?
MrP: Ok, so you’re good, I’m gonna wait for you at the table.
This English Gentleman definitely played some unconventional game, but what the hell, I bought my wine, his beer and I went to meet him at the table. I thought: well, maybe this way it would be more convenient, I won’t have to search for a free table etc, etc.
But after we finished he said: Ok, I’m good with booze now, we can go.
My eyes opened even wider but lead by the overwhelming curiosity I left with him.
MrP: I live that direction.
Me: Me too.
And so we walked.
It was slowly getting to me, what the guy thought. He thought, that after making me buy him a drink, he’ll just point the way to his apartment and then I’m gonna trot there like a gazelle to do… well I don’t know what. But I guess that what he meant had more to do with a blowjob than watching cartoons.
He was telling me how we cannot be together forever because I don’t like cycling and love big cities but also suggesting that other things are important too and that he lives just around the corner.
I walked along, smiling and nodding politely.
And when we were almost there I turned around and said: Oh, look, my bus!
I cannot describe how unique the expression on his face was standing there at this bus stop, trying to figure out what has gone wrong.
And I don’t mind buying a guy a drink – just have some class boy. And if ya ain’t no Robert Downey Jr…ya ain’t no Robert Downey Jr 😀
Next episode of The Tinder Stories – soon. What I’m about to tell you is a story of a Backpacking Tinderella…. I mean Cinderella. Stay tuned!
(Pictures inserted in this text don’t make any sense, just wanted to make the read more pleasant :v)